I have a whole back story, a traditional bio, a LinkedIn page, and an actual résumé, but let’s be honest: you just want to know why you should hire me. So let me tell you a bit about my skill set:

• I went to Yale Law School.
• I am fluent in multiple Englishes.
• I also speak Geek.
• I can create trial graphics worth millions of dollars.
• I’m decently fluent in Spanish.
• More. 

I went to Yale Law School.

Wait, you ask . . . How is that a “skill”?

It’s not. But to a whole lot of people, it indicates a great deal about my intelligence, perseverance, sophistication, etc., etc., etc. So I would be foolish not to lead with Yale, right?

Also, while my Colombian grandmother pronounces it “Jail,” it’s a damn fine institution, and I wouldn’t be who I am today without the freedom of movement that comes with a fancy degree that broadcasts to the world that your basic competence needn’t be questioned.

I am fluent in multiple Englishes.

Hold on there, you say . . . What does that even mean??

It means I’m not just fluent in English, but in communication.

It means I can speak to anyone who wants to listen—and at least get the attention of people who aren’t necessarily predisposed to the whole “listening” thing.

It means I can craft a legal brief as pompous or as pithy as you prefer, whether I’m starting from scratch or doing a radical makeover of someone else’s draft.

It means I can translate legalese and technical jargon into something not just comprehensible, but compelling.

It means I can help craft correspondence or copy for all occasions—from a letter to a disgruntled client (or class member) that makes them feel heard, understood, and less likely to throw a fit about something that isn’t worth anyone’s time^FN1; to marketing materials that don’t sound like they were written by robot.

Examples of Englishes I speak:

While my native tongue is something like the cheeky (if loquacious) tone of this website, don’t let that fool you: I’m perfectly capable of adjusting my tone “up” or “down” as the task requires. Not only that, but I love doing it. It’s a true pleasure of mine to help other people actually (and effectively) communicate their ideas.

Here are some other Englishes I speak:

• Old-School Federal Judge. I’m no Learned Hand, but I like to think that I could have held my own in a fireside chat with the man.
• Busy State-Court Judge, a.k.a., The person who definitely would not have read all the way down to this point on this page before making a decision.
• Skeptical Client. The one who told all the lawyer jokes . . . until they needed a lawyer.
• Sophisticated Client. The one who doesn’t need you to tell them how to run their business. They just need to know how to build / protect / maintain it within the existing legal framework—and they’d prefer you do it in as few words as possible, since they are quite busy actually running their business.
• Military. I picked up at least two dialects in my 15 years as a military spouse: ORDER ALLCAPS ^FN2 and Uncouth Slang^FN3

I also speak Geek.

Although I love the smell of old books and polished wood as much as any lawyer, I’m also capable of accurately using words like “metadata” and “non-lossy file compression” in a sentence. I can also code my own website using basic HTML and CSS. (I made this website. It's ok—admit it: you love it and want one just like it. ;) I can also build complicated (yet reasonably elegant) relational databases (primarily using Airtable, whose virtues I will extoll at length if you are interested in a super nerdy coffee date).           

Not only that, but I can explain what all of that means to your grandmother.

Why does this matter for you?

Well, as you may be aware, e-Discovery is . . . well . . . kind of a big deal right now. And for good reason. Most lawyers don’t know what “TIFF” even means, but the difference between a 100,000-page document production in “TIFF-only” format versus “TIFF+” format can be like the difference between a well-organized Amazon-style warehouse where trained robots fetch things at your whim, and a warehouse the size of a football field where a dump truck has just unloaded every edition of every book in your law school library.

It also turns out that modern life essentially runs on this thing called Information Management, and that even small cases can involve boatloads of data and coordination. You can totally hire someone random off a freelance site on the internet to do that, of course. And then spend hours and hours explaining to them how a lawsuit (or whatever it is) works, and waiting to see if they will actually create something useful. If you go that direction, I truly hope that goes well for you. And if you then hit a point where you want to tear your hair out and scream because it just can't be that complicated, I'll be here; just give me a call. :)

My ability to dive into the nitty-gritty of technical issues relating to e-Discovery and information management—while simultaneously understanding (or quickly learning) whatever complicated legal/political/strategic issues underlie your project—can literally save you hundreds of hours. Check out the Geek Stuff section of my Menu of Services for some examples.

I can create trial graphics worth millions of dollars.

Don’t believe me? Ask the jury who saw a series of slides I made for a wrongful death case and awarded a $300M punitive damages verdict against a large dialysis company ( . . . ahem . . . I'm looking at you, DaVita). Did I single-handedly create that outcome? Of course not. But the graphics were seriously awesome, and the trial team certainly thought they contributed meaningfully to the positive outcome. Check out my Portfolio for some examples.

I’m decently fluent in Spanish.

Can I write a legal brief (or copy like this) in Spanish? No(t yet). But my father is Colombian, I grew up in New Mexico, and my accent is decent enough that most Spanish-speaking people I meet are surprised by what the “white girl” can manage to understand and communicate. Also, I’ve served clients in Spanish (both in law school clinics, and as a pinch-hitting intake interviewer when my firm didn’t have access to a Spanish-speaking paralegal).

More.

Honestly, I can do a veritable metric ton of other things . . . and I get bored easily, so feel free to get in touch if you have an odd project or a challenge!

FOOTNOTES:

FN1:  Pssst. The secret is actually hearing and understanding them.

FN2:  [Trigger Warning for anyone who served in the military.] “ORDER ALLCAPS” is what I call the painful ALLCAPS VERSION ORDERING YOU TO REPORT TO YOUR NEXT DUTY STATION BY 0900 ON 9 SEPTEMBER 2022 AND INFORMING YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT AUTHORIZED TRANSPORT FOR MORE THAN ONE PERSONAL VEHICLE UNLESS YOUR DUTY STATION IS OCONUS OR YOU HAVE WRITTEN AUTHORIZATION FROM A GENERAL OFFICER AUTHORIZED TO PROVIDE SUCH AUTHORIZATION BY THE AUTHORITY OF DOD REGULATION 5.00.59950283040-A(23)(b)(ii)(14.234523.000001), WHICH STATES THAT NO SANDWICHES SHALL BE EATEN IN THE MESS HALL WITHOUT A PRESIDENTIAL DECLARATION AUTHORIZING HANDHELD EATING DEVICES.

FN3:  [Trigger Warning for anyone who served in the military or doesn’t like cursing] “Uncouth Slang” is the kind of language that is sometimes the only way to accurately describe what a complete shit-storm the project turned into after the boss came into the already-overheated tin-can field office (seriously, it was hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock in there), and completely changed the plan for the 5th time in a week, which was a huge kick in the balls to everyone who thought they were going to actually have a weekend, and meant that everything was assholes and elbows until the boss’s wife called to tell him that if he didn’t get to the delivery room toot sweet, she was giving the baby to the first E-2 who walked in the door.